Was I Always This Way?

My early adulthood was only marginally better than my traumatic childhood although I did sense a period of maturity as I began a life living alone after my early, brief and disastrous first marriage. That in itself was a total dumpster fire and I was so lucky to escape it rather than spend my life living true to my vows. It was a terrible time but I found myself feeling awfully lonely afterward. Not missing him, but just missing having a life. I was still as boy-crazy as ever and I have found myself wondering why I was always so boy-crazy? I was pretty and smart and never had a lack of interest from boys but I could never seem to move to the next level into meaningful relationships. I think I was looking for the love and acceptance that I never had as a child and truly didn’t know how to have a mature loving relationship with the right man. I was often filled with bitterness about the hand my life had dealt me and that makes for a very lonely existence. I found this passage in my diary, dated March 20, 1983, (I was 20 years old), that really spoke to me about what kind of person I was and the depth of my disappointment in life. It goes like this:

“I had a bad night last night feeling sorry for myself-really wish something good would happen! I’ve got to stop lamenting on what might have; Tony, Ben, Tim still seem to stand out most in my mind. Of course, I’ll never get over Mark…. I really want to go back to the beginning and read this diary but I know my heart will break. It’s just too painful. What does that mean? Does it mean that I had a really bad life? I wouldn’t call it all bad,I guess intense would be a good word. Of course time heals all wounds but I think with me time heals to a point but there’s always going to be a dull pain when I think back to Mark, Ben, Tony, Dan, Dave, Kitty, Anne, Melanie, Terry- god the list goes on.. In the overall view I can’t say that I’ve ever found happiness here in NC. Of course there have been periods like my time with Grama, and the early part of my marriage but overall there seems to have been a constant cloud. On the other hand I can thank God-as I do every night- for my health and safety but what a price to pay! I know I can’t have it all but is it true that you have to make a choice? I want true happiness for more than a week! I want security and I want this with no compromises! Sometimes I really think I deserve that -I’ve paid my dues! On the other hand there are so many so much less fortunate than me. These conflicting emotions are really battling inside of me and I think the only way to preserve my sanity is to push it all back again and continue existing……waiting…..”