I’ve been told that I’m a good writer. The words “brilliant”, “gifted”, “riveting”, “honest”, and “eloquent” have been attributed to my stories. This has been very validating in recent weeks since I’ve been publishing my work to this online writing site.
But let’s face it, if you’ve read my stories, I’m pretty much of a buzzkill. I’m sick of myself so I can only assume you are as well. Would you please consider indulging me by allowing me a chance to redeem my sorry, sad self by trying something different?
The tediously common label “Suicide Note” just really gripes my ass. I cringe at the thought of anyone saying those meaningless words: “Oooooh! Did she leave a suicide note? Oooooh! What did she say? Who did she blame? What was wrong with her? Ooooh! Was it accidental or intentional?” “Did she talk about all the awful things in her life?” Oh dear god, just shut up. She’s dead ok? She’s gone. It’s over. Make up your own answers to your ridiculously obtuse questions.
This is my story that I want to tell before the end of my life. It’s going to happen to all of us so I’d like to be prepared because I don’t know when that end day will come for me. No one has ever had the opportunity to know what the very next moment of their life holds. All we are allowed is the present, the precious moments that we know that we are still alive on this earth. And we hopefully are able and planning to make the most of it. I want my last moment on earth to be the best moment of my life.
So, in the interest of diverting from my normal habit of emphasizing on all things painful and pathetic that I’ve posted on this website, I am challenging myself to write something positive, uplifting, self-validating and life-affirming for a change. I’m going to write about all the good and wonderful things that I am grateful for. I’m not going to make a list in any order of importance. That is a futile and hopeless attempt to make some feel better but also cause some to feel hurt.
So in free form streaming thoughts, here’s what I have to say at this present moment in time, and I cannot promise I will feel the same five minutes from now. However, I promise this missive is limited strictly to the good things.
I am smart, interesting, and interested in any and all things. I am well-read (though not as much as I’d like to be). I am quite humorous in a sarcastic way that can also be intelligent. Some people don’t always get me. I don’t care. Many people do. I’ve had a lifetime of friends who are on the same page as myself and we have connected best on that level of sarcastic humor that bonds us through gales of uninhibited laughter over the mountainous levels of ridiculousness in this life. That type of connection is vital to me. I just cannot take myself or anyone else too seriously. And I’ve saved myself a great deal of anguished over-thinking due to that trait. That’s a good thing.
I live in a judgment-free zone. “There but for the grace of God go I”. “The flattest pancake has two sides”. And I am most often lucky enough to be with like-minded people. That’s a good thing.
I am pretty. I’ve always been pretty. Aging has not been the most pleasant experience to endure when I look in a mirror. But I know I had more than my share of being noticed, complimented, desired. I care about that and it’s been important to me that I was lucky in that way. I worried about my weight when I was 108 lbs and I worried no more or less when I was 168 lbs. It’s a girl thing and we just have to accept it. And it’s still a good thing.
I am independent and have always been able to take care of myself, by myself. I relied on no one and I own all of my success. When I partnered with my husband, we became a team that could not be beat. I taught him independence and he taught me how to trust. It was a magical union. That’s a really good thing.
Our three children are indescribable, even to a wordsmith such as myself. If I were to consult my trusty thesaurus I still don’t believe the appropriate words have yet been invented. Would that I could come up with the proper words to express who they are, and what they mean to me; that would be my greatest legacy. But alas, I’m just not that clever, and so my legacy simply is the children I brought to this earth for the purest pleasure and enjoyment of anyone lucky enough to know them. When I’m gone, I leave them in the safe hands of all the many people who love them. That is a very good thing. Perhaps the best.
There are of course many other good things I could share but they don’t need to be detailed in this missive. I’ve covered the most important good things. Suffice it to say that I am aware that I have goodness in my life, including the accepting and offering of intangible gifts that everyone possesses, and I am lucky, indeed luckier than most. That’s a good thing.
There is no blame and no shame in death. I have a chronic disease that is sometimes fatal and I will eventually leave this life knowing that I did everything I could to save myself. And I have also lived my life primarily by intuition and did a pretty good job overall. It’s been a good life. And that’s an amazingly good thing.