The darkness has plagued me for so long and these questions are constantly bouncing around in my damaged brain. I thought it was time to put pen to paper and try to sort them out. Primarily speaking, they are and will remain rhetorical.
Who knows the depth of my suffering?
Who truly understands their part and responsibility in it?
Who can accurately describe what their mistakes did to my psyche?
Who has been there for me from the beginning?
Who has comprehended my losses throughout my life and taken any ownership?
Who can differentiate between the inherited mental illness vs. the things that happened to me that exacerbated the detrimental effects?
Who intellectually knows that if I’d not experienced so much trauma in my youth that the clinical depression could have been much better managed, perhaps even eradicated?
Who chooses to blame others to assuage their own guilt?
Who understands that these traumas will never go away?
Who realizes that their behavior today only makes things worse?
Who realizes that saying you love me is insulting?
Who accepts that I’m never going to be good enough for you?
Who knows that I did my best and it was all for nothing?
Who believes me when I say I have tried everything to help myself?
Why do you get to be happy and content while I suffer?
Why was I born?
Who thinks my husband and children treat me as a worthy wife and mother?
Who thinks there is any chance for me?
Who has convinced themself that I am my own worst enemy?
Who is my “Person”?
Who is just plain sick and tired of my self-pity? Besides myself?
Who thinks they know what’s best for me if I would just listen and take their advice?
Who would choose to live like this?
Who would choose to live with me like this?
When will you stop judging me?
When, exactly, did you give up on me?
Who wishes I would just go away unless I conform to your standards of who you think I should be?
Who knows the definition of compassion? Who practices it in its purest way?
Who has ever made me a priority?
Who has ever genuinely tried to help me? Who even knows how?
Why did I spend my whole life and untold amounts of time and money simultaneously trying to be the best daughter, sister, niece, wife, mother, employee, volunteer, friend, while also trying to heal myself through every avenue available to me?
Why did I fail?
Who thinks they know any of the answers? I know I do.