I awaken, finding myself splayed out
In the bottom of a small, rickety dinghy.
Unmoored, untethered, without anchor.
I am in the middle of the ocean
In the middle of nowhere.
I see nothing but swells
All around me
Rocking me to and fro.
I feel the pain; it’s palpable,
No broken bones, no bleeding cuts.
Just the very essence of my broken heart
Oozing its way throughout my body.
Palpable yet intangible.
Words not yet invented to describe the pain.
I sit up, take inventory of my predicament.
Doesn’t matter how I got here.
I can’t think about that; it’s more than I can comprehend.
Why must I feel so intensely?
Why does heartache feel so unmanageable?
Why can’t I be dense, unthinking, unfeeling?
Why can’t this pain roll off of me like the very ocean of water I find myself in?
No, my body absorbs the pain.
It takes unexplainable, circuitous routes
Throughout my being, inside and out
Like a pinball game.
Bouncing around all my organs
Including my skin
With nowhere to go
So it hits nerves, everywhere
And I shudder with the pain, not knowing where it’s going to hit next.
I awaken again, this time in a fetal position,
Ocean waves still all around me
A bit more aggressive this time
Should I be worried?
I can’t decide whether I care.
I’m pretty sure I don’t.
I just want the pain to stop.
I lean over the side of the dinghy
In order to let my tears fall into the ocean
So as not to flood my little boat.
It would have surely sunk by now.
As I look up, I see something
Something far away but moving closer.
It’s a ship!
And ever closer, I see people lined up on the deck
People I know
People I love
People who love me.
There seem to be so many!
And they are calling out to me,
Begging me to grab the float they’ve tossed.
Asking me to come back
They can save me.
But can they?
I look again
And see nothing.
It was all a mirage.
There’s no one who loves me
There’s no one I love.
There’s no life saving float.
I remain unmoored, untethered.
Then I completely come undone.