Unmoored, Untethered, Undone

I awaken, finding myself splayed out

In the bottom of a small, rickety dinghy.

Unmoored, untethered, without anchor.

I am in the middle of the ocean

In the middle of nowhere.

I see nothing but swells

All around me

Rocking me to and fro.

I feel the pain; it’s palpable,

But intangible.

No broken bones, no bleeding cuts.

Just the very essence of my broken heart

Oozing its way throughout my body.

Palpable yet intangible.

Words not yet invented to describe the pain.

I sit up, take inventory of my predicament.

Doesn’t matter how I got here.

Does it?

I can’t think about that; it’s more than I can comprehend.

Why must I feel so intensely?

Why does heartache feel so unmanageable?

Why can’t I be dense, unthinking, unfeeling?

Why can’t this pain roll off of me like the very ocean of water I find myself in?

No, my body absorbs the pain.

It takes unexplainable, circuitous routes

Throughout my being, inside and out

Like a pinball game.

Bouncing around all my organs

Including my skin

With nowhere to go

So it hits nerves, everywhere

And I shudder with the pain, not knowing where it’s going to hit next.

 

I awaken again, this time in a fetal position,

Ocean waves still all around me

A bit more aggressive this time

Should I be worried?

I can’t decide whether I care.

I’m pretty sure I don’t.

I just want the pain to stop.

 

I lean over the side of the dinghy

In order to let my tears fall into the ocean

So as not to flood my little boat.

It would have surely sunk by now.

 

As I look up, I see something

Something far away but moving closer.

It’s a ship!

And ever closer, I see people lined up on the deck

People I know

People I love

People who love me.

There seem to be so many!

And they are calling out to me,

Begging me to grab the float they’ve tossed.

Asking me to come back

To myself

And them.

They can save me.

But can they?

 

I look again

And see nothing.

It was all a mirage.

There’s no one who loves me

There’s no one I love.

There’s no life saving float.

 

I remain unmoored, untethered.

Then I completely come undone.