Because I hate myself. I am loathesome and worthless. I’m more trouble than I’m worth. I am irrelevant and have nothing in my life that validates my existence.
Because my soon to be 23 year old daughter is having a birthday next week and due to the fact that she “needs space and a break“ from me, I am not included in her birthday celebration. Ironic, however, that she would not be having a birthday if I hadn’t given her a Birth Day 23 years ago.
Because I am paralyzed from this emotional pain and cannot get out bed.
Because the three people that do reach out to me, my mother my dad and my birth father, are of no help to me because the PTSD diagnosis/ label I carry is because of my childhood trauma that these three parents were a party to.
Because I have no “person”. I have no one left to turn to in this while living in this pain that has not already been over burdened by me.
Because I used to be somebody. I was a hard worker. I was a good wife. I’m was a good mother. I was a good friend. Eventually I even became a good daughter. But now I am none of those things any longer.
I am finished with what good I can do in this life for myself and for anyone else. There is nothing left to do. I am no longer relevant.
I am old and tired and unattractive and unappealing. I hate who I have become. And how I feel about myself
I have lost so much in the last five or so years. My children moved out to go to college (as they should) but I can’t bear my life without them in it. My youngest child will be gone within a year once she graduates and goes away to college. The time I have left with her is not of any quality time for her because I am such a wretched miserable human being. I will eventually ruin her life too, and be excised and ignored.
All the “love” I have received in my entire life has been conditional. This I know because I have always loved my children unconditionally and fiercely and completely. I know the difference.
I don’t want to go to the hospital because I know what that experience is like and it’s just not helpful and it is a whole lot of trouble. I can’t fathom the the idea of getting out of bed to go to the hospital today.
My therapist that I see three days a week is a wonderful and caring person. However I think that I am too far gone too benefit from this attempt at rebuilding my self worth and self-esteem at this point in my life. It just doesn’t seem to be working, obviously.
Also, in these last five or so years not only have I lost my family, I have a lost so many friends that I used to be so close with and trusted them and loved them yet most of them have “ghosted“ me; that is to say that for no reason that I can discern and no matter how much I try to reach out, these people have completely, without any explanation, removed me from their lives as though I never even existed. I know that I am the common denominator so I know that it’s my fault because I have deteriorated so much and have become so negative and they are in self-preservation mode and needing to remove the toxic person that is me from their lives. But it is excruciating to be ghosted with nary an explanation or just a simple “I can’t do this anymore” statement. If I were to try to name all of these people that have piled up like a mass grave in my backyard I would say it started with B back in 2013, then L, G, K, T, K, L; and then there was my yoga instructor who disappeared with no explanation and to top it all off, I was rejected as a potential volunteer in a child advocate program for reasons unknown. (It doesn’t get more demoralizing than to be rejected for a volunteer position). The not knowing what I did wrong is extremely painful in all of these situations as it all remains unresolved to this day.
I left my home of 25 years to move back into the city and take a sabbatical in the effort to try to get well with therapy thrice weekly (basically my full time job). And by the way, it’s no pleasant experience to be judged by my oldest daughter for “leaving Dad” when in fact, good ol Dad didn’t try to stop me and I haven’t heard anyone asking me to come back. I believe that it’s going to end my marriage and I will be completely alone once my youngest daughter leaves for college. So essentially the last 25 years of my life have been all for nothing.
Since I was alone for many years before my marriage I am quite capable of taking care of myself, I just don’t want to. I’m sick and tired of living like this. Just let me go. I’ve paid more than the average amount of dues and look at me now. There is no point. If I were to die today I don’t know when anyone would even realize it.
A particularly harsh reality is that I am also labeled medication-resistant and my long time psychiatrist has given up on me. And everyone that knows me knows that I have tried everything to get well. But nothing is working anymore. I see no light at the end of the tunnel.
Even though I understand that suicide is “selfish”, and it is a “permanent solution to a temporary problem”, neither one of those reasons of applies to me. People die. Parents die. Friends die. Relatives die. It’s just a matter of when and how. But we are all going to die. And I think it’s selfish of the people who try to tell me not to do it because in reality they are just don’t want to feel guilty that they failed me. Which they didn’t -fail me, that is. I have a severe chronic disease that can sometimes be fatal in spite of all the efforts made.
Suicide is by definition the easiest and quickest way to ease the pain that I am in. I can open a drawer within my reach and be done with it. Mental health issues are just now becoming relevant and the suicide rate is higher than ever. If I die what will I miss out on? My daughter’s high school graduation, my son‘s college graduation, my children’s marriages, grandchildren….but none of that means enough to get me through today and my experience tells me that it’s never going to be enough to get me through another day. They aren’t doing these things for me. They are living their lives, as they should. And it’s painfully clear that they do not need me anymore. Or even want me anymore. I’m a burden, a ball and chain that’s ruining their otherwise delightful lives. (And by the way, you’re welcome.)
I was never meant to be. I was not supposed to be born, I was abandoned and passed around to numerous variations of parents, stepparents, adopted parents, grandparents, etc. By the age of seventeen I was on my own without any resources -no one even knew I was gone- whatsoever except my own tenacity, and I made a life for myself. And through medication and therapy I managed my depression superbly. During my career I worked very hard for a gross, inappropriate, old man boss who constantly wanted me to hav sex with him. (That’s the second wave of PTSD that I deal with). I still have nightmares every night about that job and can’t seem to get past it. But the validating part was that I was a really good, smart, asset to his business and I made a lot of money and I just thought that I could take it until the end. But I was wrong.
The few friends that I have left including D, R, M, L, M, V, and C are very good to me but they can’t fix me or help me. And I know that I will eventually lose them as well because I am completely toxic. And on any given decent day I can take it and be the good friend, the good daughter, the good wife, the good mother, but today I am too tired. I just want it all to end because the longer I stay around the more damage I will do to the people that I care about and who care about me. This is a proven fact.
And finally, I no longer believe in God or heaven so once I’m gone I’m just gone. I won’t be watching over the people I love and I won’t be watching what I’ve done ruin their lives. I just won’t Be.