The Christmas Story From The Long Lost Gospel Of Amazon.com

CHAPTER ONE

1 The Annunciation to The World of the Birth of Amazon.com.

2 In the seventh month of 1994, an Entrepreneur was sent from Wall St. to a city in Washington State named Bellevue,

3 to a rented garage whereby he became betrothed to a computer commerce website, of the house of The Internet;

4 and the commerce website was named Amazon.com.

5 And the Entrepreneur came to the website and said,

6 “Hail, I am full of start-up money, your future online shopping service is with you!”

7 But the world was greatly troubled at the saying, and considered in its mind what sort of greeting this might be.

8 And the Entrepreneur said to the world, “Do not be afraid, my Consumers, for you have found favor with my Investors.

9 And behold, you will realize in your minds that you must go online and you shall call up the name Amazon.com in your search bar.

10 Amazon.com will be great, and will be called the The Largest Internet Retailer of the Most High; and the Entrepreneur will give to all the world’s Consumers the ability to purchase anything imaginable,

11 and it will reign over the house of Planet Earth forever; and of his online website, the Mighty Amazon.com, there will be no end.”

12 And the Consumers said to the Entrepreneur , “How shall this be, since I have no money?”

13 And the Entrepreneur said to them, “The impossibly low prices and ease of purchasing will come upon you, and cloud your senses, and the power of the Most High Bank and Credit card accounts will overshadow you;

14 therefore the website to be born will be called Amazon.com, the Son of Entrepreneur, Jeff Bezos.

15 And behold, your kinsman, Walmart, Barnes and Noble, in their archaic age, will also conceive online shopping websites; for with greedy consumers nothing will be impossible.”

16 And the Consumers said, “Behold, although we are the poorest of the Land, let it be to us according to your word, to purchase everything we ever wanted from Amazon.com.”

17 And the Entrepreneur departed from his Consumers to count his money.

CHAPTER TWO

1 The Birth of Amazon.com

2 In those days a decree went out from the Entrepreneur that all the world should be enrolled with an account on Amazon.com. And all went to be enrolled, each to his own city.

3 And the Entrepreneur went to the larger city of Seattle, which is nearby Bellevue, because he was to be enrolled with The Internet, his betrothed, who was with overwhelmed with the success of Amazon.com.

4 And while they were there, the time came for Amazon.com to begin its first deliveries.

5 And the first delivery was a book entitled Fluid Concepts and Creative Analogies by author Douglas Hofstadter and it was wrapped in a plain cardboard box and was laid on the front porch of the Consumer, because there was no other place for the package to go; it had reached its destination.

6 And in that region there were other Consumers out in the streets keeping watch over the delivery that day.

7 And an apparition of the Entrepreneur appeared to them, and the glory of the Amazon.com logo shone around them, and they were filled with no fear, but amazement and awe.

8 And the apparition of the Entrepreneur said to them, “Be not afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of a great joy which will come to all the people;

9 for to you is born this day in the city of Seattle, the almighty Amazon.com.

10 And this will be a sign for you: you will find a package wrapped for each of you on all of your front porches”.

11 And suddenly there was with the apparition of the Entrepreneur a multitude of the Worldly and Wealthiest Consumers praising and saying,

12 “Glory to Jeff Bezos in the highest, and on Earth, bring swift and sudden bankruptcy among Consumers with whom he is pleased to allow them to purchase all the tangible things ever made!”

13 When the apparition of the Entrepreneur went away from them back to Seattle, the Consumers said to one another, “Let us go over to our neighbor’s homes and see this thing that has happened, which the apparition of the Entrepreneur has made known to us.”

14 And they went with haste, and found packages among packages, of all sizes lying on all the front porches of the land.

15 And when they saw them they made known the saying which had been told them concerning this phenomena;

16 and all who heard it wondered at what the Consumers told them.

17 And Consumers kept all these things, pondering them in their hearts.

18 And the Consumers returned, glorifying and praising Amazon.com for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them. 

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO AMAZON.COM

And the Consumers said, “Amen.”